This is going to make me sound like a terrible person...

I'm not saying I don't like children. I like them okay sometimes, like when they're laughing or sleeping at a normal hour of the day.

I do not, however, like children when they scream outside of my bedroom window at 7 am on a Saturday morning. Yes, I get that it's summer and, yes, it's nice that you're outside but an irrational rage came over me this weekend when I woke up to this on Saturday morning after spending Friday night with a bar and a few too many shots of tequila.

I think what pissed me off the most was that their father was outside with them and didn't tell them to shut up. Like, a "Kids, it's early, people are still sleeping, why don't we try to be a little more quiet?" would have spared the family what happened next, but no, I got none of that.

I started thinking about what noise I could make to piss them off at an hour equally as inconvenient for them, and then it hit me. The ideal time was now, and the idea noise was... well, I'll just say it, I faked a loud orgasm.

Yes, I faked an orgasm so the little girl who I had heard ask "Why? Why? Why?" a million times over the previous 20 minutes would hopefully ask her father why there was a woman screaming and he'd stumble with his words and send them in the house to their mother.

Mission accomplished. I was fast asleep again before 8 am.