This is going to make me sound like a terrible person...

I'm not saying I don't like children. I like them okay sometimes, like when they're laughing or sleeping at a normal hour of the day.

I do not, however, like children when they scream outside of my bedroom window at 7 am on a Saturday morning. Yes, I get that it's summer and, yes, it's nice that you're outside but an irrational rage came over me this weekend when I woke up to this on Saturday morning after spending Friday night with a bar and a few too many shots of tequila.

I think what pissed me off the most was that their father was outside with them and didn't tell them to shut up. Like, a "Kids, it's early, people are still sleeping, why don't we try to be a little more quiet?" would have spared the family what happened next, but no, I got none of that.

I started thinking about what noise I could make to piss them off at an hour equally as inconvenient for them, and then it hit me. The ideal time was now, and the idea noise was... well, I'll just say it, I faked a loud orgasm.

Yes, I faked an orgasm so the little girl who I had heard ask "Why? Why? Why?" a million times over the previous 20 minutes would hopefully ask her father why there was a woman screaming and he'd stumble with his words and send them in the house to their mother.

Mission accomplished. I was fast asleep again before 8 am.

Hot Pants

Anyone ever see that Saved by the Bell episode where Zack makes the Girls of Bayside calendar to save the school store? And, in typical Saved by the Bell fashion, something completely unrealistic happens and a professional photographer somehow finds the calendar and puts Jessie, Lisa, and Kelly in a fashion magazine and then something even more unrealistic happens and Kelly is offered a cover shoot? A cover shoot that involves a month in Paris?

I find this episode was one of the more dramatic ones. I mean, there are the obvious dramatic episodes, such as the one where Jessie gets so excited about the energy pill so she can perform in the girls singing group's video (again, totally realistic), or the one where Zach drunk drives at the toga party, or the one where they make the whole anti-drug commercial, or the one where Zach dis the family tree presentation in the Indian garb and met the old Indian dude who dies and shows Zach some important lesson or other. These episodes are meant to be dramatic.

The Kelly Goes to Paris episode wasn't outright dramatic, but let me tell you, from my viewing of it this morning, Zack personally has some very dramatic moments, the most dramatic of which was when he stood up to the photographer and the photographer basically told him he was an asshole. Come to think of it, I think that the photographer was the only character who ever treated Zack like he deserved to be treated. Or like I like to think Zack would be treated if he were in the real world - like a pompous asshole.

Anyway, the best part of the entire episode was this: the awesome jeans that Jessie had on in the photoshoot. She also had on a kick ass denim shirt, too, that was accented with tan leather that matched the faux chaps attached to her awesome jeans.

Sadly, I must admit, I recall the first time I saw this episode, I remember being jealous because I wanted a pair of jeans like that.

Happy Cow

I've noticed something about those "Happy Cow" commercials, the ones for "Real California Milk".

Lately, there's been a lot of bulls on the commercials, and the gist of them has been the bulls hitting on the cows. One was a bull speaking with a French accent who the cows called out for faking and the other was two bulls talking about how the cows in California were different from the cows out east.

The cows always, always either make fun of or blatantly reject the bulls.

"Happy" cows? Really?

Apple Fries

Today, as I was watching Jeopardy, there was a Wendy's commerical on that was advertising "apple fries".

These are seriously merely apples that are sliced into the size and shape of french fries and placed into a french fry container.

Do we really think this is going to fool kids? They still know they're eating an apple.

I hope that people realize soon that they can make their own apple fries for their children with merely an apple and a knife.

Why I won't talk to 21 year old boys

There is absolutely no reason to talk to a 21 year old boy if you are a woman who has already graduated college. They do not want a relationship and the sex can't compare to the sex you can be having with men in their 30s who usually no longer prefer the jack rabbit method and can afford to buy you a drink.

Macaroni

I find it ridiculous that I can never manage to prepare an appropriate amount of macaroni. I always make too much because I can't grasp the concept of how much the noodles swell when they're boiling.

Giant Eagle

I find it amusing that it is impossible for me to go the the Shadyside Giant Eagle Market District without looking like an asshole when I leave.

Everytime I try to push my buggy back to the buggy return, the wheels lock, leaving me stuck behind 2 or 3 cars fighting their way out of the poorly planned parking lot.

UP_C

What the hell was up with that? Seriously? You make more money than any other "non-profit organization" out there and you can't afford to put up the "M" with the rest of the letters? You can build a brand new hospital and take over a perfectly good one, but you can't put up an "M" on time?

Men with Ponytails

It is generally not a good idea for any man to have a ponytail. I find this a fascinating phenomenon, and I'm wondering who is telling these men that they look cool or attractive?

Who is the type of man who wears a ponytail?

1. Bikers. Biker's, if they have hair on their head, tend to have long ponytails. They also sometimes don them with multiple rubber bands, strategically placed the exact same distance apart, down the length of said ponytail. I would think that the best hair cut for a biker would be either no hair at all or something short and manageable to fit under the helmets that they may or may not be wearing.

2. Lazy smelly boys in bands. I think it's like they think that by not cutting - or in some cases, washing - their hair, they're almost trying to prove that they take their talent too seriously to care what they look like. But then they spent hundreds of dollars on tattoos and leather cuff bracelets.

3. Those who are trying to make up for what they're lacking on top. Guys, if Mother Nature is telling you the hair has got to go by making it all fall out then the hair has got to go. No one is fooled.

4. People who are stuck in other decades. Yes, Bret Michaels has long hair and sometimes puts it in a ponytail, but 2008 Bret Michaels is not 1988 Bret Michaels, and now he just looks like an old man who's trying to fit into leather pants and pretend that anyone but people in Pittsburgh give a shit about Poison. And, yes, my big brother had a rattail when it was 1985, but that doesn't mean the trend carried over into the 2000's.

Donate that shit to Locks of Love or something. It's doing you no good.

Question: Does "mine's is" = "mine is"?

Answer: No

Sorry I've been away...

... and if I were the kind of blogger who wrote about those kinds of things, I'd let you all know how awesome my time away was, but I'm not and it's back to reality.

I do, however, have many entries to write. My notebook is full.

A little old, but...

... I was out at a Primanti Bros for one of the Stanley Cup games when some chick came in wearing a crown and body paint to announce it was her 21st birthday.

I had a few thoughts.

1. Serious, bitch, do you think anyone cares?

2. If we lose again tonight, it's going to be a shitty birthday for you because no one will be in a very good mood.

3. Body paint? Are you serious?

Question: Does "set" = "sit"?

Answer: No.

I'm selfish

If I have to get up early and you are my neighbor and you're not being quiet so I can sleep, I will silently curse you and make sure to be extra loud when I wake up in the morning so that I can annoy you the way you have annoyed me.

But, if I come home late at night/early morning, you bet your ass I'm going to stumble up the stairs and be as loud as I want to be. Because everyone in the world should have the same sleeping pattern as me.

Bicycle

I've been thinking about getting a bike. Like, a bicycle, not a motorcycle.

My problem with this is that I don't want to wear a helmet and I hate people who ride their bicycles on the street. This usually means they're in my way because you can't always go around them, and it pisses me off that they can hold up traffic but then are able to go through traffic lights.

But I hate gas prices and work is too far to walk to from my apartment.

You can see how I would be torn on this issue.

Have you ever met a writer?

I once met a man at the William Penn Tavern who claimed he was a writer. And then to prove it, he pulled out this beat up old notebook out of his pocket and promptly showed me the pages were full of scribbles and "ideas".

I wanted to say that didn't prove he was a writer, just that he was trying to be a writer. When I asked him what he was working on, he whipped out the notebook again and said "I just showed you..."

Note to self: The ability to hold a pen and write uncomprehensible shit in a notebook is not attractive and does not, in fact, make you a writer.

I can do both

I find that, while in Oakland, I sometimes act like an asshole. If I'm trying to walk across Fifth or Forbes, or any street for that matter, I just walk with the massive crowd of people who are ignoring the traffic signals. But, if I'm driving, I swear at these same people for making me wait. It's like the people walking are only important if I am one of them.

I'm a hypocrit.

I have a friend who...

... insists on referring to the UniMart down the street as the "bodega". And I want to say, "Dude, that is not a bodega. And where exactly is it that you think you live?"

Scared

I woke up this morning sleeping on my left side with my arms crossed over my chest as if I was a corpse. The freaky thing was that my left hand fell asleep so I almost jumped out of my skin because I thought, "Who the hell's hand is on my shoulder!"

Freaked me out.

I saw this in South Side bar

Can someone tell me why the Penguins need an official imported Canadian beer? Isn't there a more appropriate beer for them? And why are they advertising it on golf towels?